Pathos Qua Nous - Feeling Insofar As Mind

"Without a Mind, How Can I Feel?"
My name is Devin Kruljac. I love to read and write. I often keep a pen with me at all times for this reason. Sometimes I'll have a thought summarized in one sentence, sometimes it'll be more--emotion comes in a similar fashion for me. I am a simple person--insomuch as to say that it isn't hard to see what kind of person I am. I am opinionated but soft spoken. Some people say I care too much--I'd rather that than care too little. I say I think too much--I'm okay with that for the most part. I am feeling insofar as mind; and I hope you will come to understand what that means.

Breaking Hearts

Throughout my life I’ve always usually had to be the instigator in terms of asking people out who I’m interested in (and those times weren’t very common, mind you). It’s been rare if a girl will come up to me and tell me they’re interested. However, during this summer, I’ve had two people I know admit their feelings to me.

I don’t want to go into details about either of the two but I can’t be with either of them. One even admitted they had fallen in love with me and when I told her I did not feel the same and I was ready to be in a relationship with them, I could feel how hurt she was. Being an empath in that respects can be hard.

Least to say, I’m not used to this. I’ve had maybe one or two girls in my life randomly come to me and say they liked me, but that was over a wide span of years, never in the course of a few months. And worse of all, I had to turn both of them down. One simply lives too far away (I’m done for now with long term relationships) and the other is going through a lot which I can’t take on board right now and it’d also be difficult to see her during the college year.

I should clarify when I say that I’m not used to this. When I say that, I say that with how painful it is to turn someone down simply because of a few reasons. I’d be more open to them otherwise but I’ve come to a point in my life where I realize what it is I really need. But turning down two people who I care about, especially the latter girl, just broke my heart.

Thankfully both of them say they understand and I trust that they do, it just sucks to see them go through heart break because when they experience that, I almost want to jump out and tell them I change my mind. But I can’t, because that’s just the part of me that knows how heart break feels and wants to help someone who is going through it.

Last year I would have jumped at any moment to be in a relationship, but that’s also because I was going through a lot of problems in my head which I’ve dealt with by now. I’m no longer searching for a relationship. Am I open to one? Yes, but not to situations like these. As it goes, I’m focusing on my friends and my school work. It’d be great to find someone in college (it’d actually be very ideal), but I’m not expecting it to happen. I got sick and tired of being lonely by the middle of last year, I decided for myself that I can be happy regardless. I’ve been single now for over 3 years, I can be single for a good while longer. I outgrew my fear of being lonely forever back when I was about 16 when I told myself that I’ll always have people who love me and that I love.

The only thing that just plain sucks about this situation is that I’m not used to breaking hearts and I hope I don’t have to do it anymore. I just hope that next time a girl approaches me, it’s a relationship I’m willing to dive into. I’d rather girls break my heart instead if it were the opposite situation.

  1. pathosquanous posted this